There’s this place we live in this world that says how we “feel”, see ourselves and perceive how others “see us” is most often based on accomplishments! Some of our own making, and almost as important is the success of our children, spouse, the circles we run in, our job and income status as the list goes on.
However, . . . there is this large divide between the “normal” successful world that judges by these standards and the reality of those of us caught in some form of addiction or we are the parent, spouse, or have a family member that has managed to “find themselves” down another pathway.
I cannot tell you the number of times that in conversations at gatherings, either in a group or with an individual, where one innocently asks how you and or your loved one is doing and you just choke inside and try to find the word – “fine”! They are fine and everything is good! Now we know for sure that in that answer we are definitely “calling those things as though they were though they be not!” This is found in the Bible and is actually how Jesus functioned and taught us to function. With the belief that as we state in a positive way, things will come into play as we speak them – either negative or positive – so I / we shall choose positive (even when we feel like we’re going to choke on the words and that little voice in our head is going “yeah right!!”).
There is a very large divide between their success stories (especially regarding our children – which as parents we are often judged by how well they turned out and what they accomplished) versus our experience, which we do not want to divulge for many reasons! – You know about “other’s judgement”, our shame, regrets, blame, or the comments from them such as “you or they should have . . . “ or “if you / they would have . . .” and on and on the well-meaning individual goes! Grrrr as you bite your tongue, take a deep breath and practice my friend’s saying that this is a good time to “never pass up a good opportunity to keep my mouth shut!!!!
It cuts like a knife as you choose not to share. I remember one conversation with 2 other couples about all the traveling they had done, the colleges and accomplishments of their children, the accolades and on and on it rolled. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m very thrilled for them and love to hear wonderful success stories – however . . . my success story is that they are still alive!!!! While “our children” Might be sitting in jail, or struggling to stay clean and maintaining a job – fighting with old vehicles, have their own children in rebellion, broken relationships and the list goes on. Let’s face it – nothing we choose to share and be judged by or have them judged by – especially when they have no facts or idea of any “reality” we and our “offspring” have lived through and survived. It’s a heaviness, and yes, sometimes you just want to bawl your eyes out because it would be so wonderful to be able to share the kinds of successes they and their children have accomplished. But guess what – our reality is on a whole different level! Today we are just “Thanking the good Lord above they are alive!” We are grateful we got the light bill paid and through all the heartache, struggle, shame and guilt – we still love our children more than life itself and would do anything in the world to help them get through the hell and back they have ended up muddling through.
We can see all they truly are inside – the beautiful individuals most often with hearts of gold, loving and kind and would do anything to help someone else. We know their pain and struggle, share with their loss and then celebrate with their triumphs. We see the true individual deep inside that never “chose” to wind up in this place, but somehow got sidetracked in the wilderness and wound up here – desperately trying to overcome monumental struggles.
Then there comes a time when a rage comes up from deep within against all the judgement and bias against anyone who has an unacceptable addiction. I experienced this one day after years of shame – something triggered deep inside (it was the unjust and mean criticism from an individual who has never encountered any of the struggles my son / children have and though that evening I went home with tears flowing uncontrollably down my face from the “attack” on someone I loved and they had never encountered – while they only made judgements from the “facts” as they “saw and knew” them in their own little world, a could of days later, this old mother hen came out fighting and I found myself in a rage! The shame suddenly left as I found the attitude of “how dare they talk to me about my son to my face when they had no iota of a clue about who he is or that he would be the first one on the road to come help him, without expecting anything in return if they needed it. I came out fighting for who my child is and rose up against all the condemnation from people who don’t have anything to say but condemnation for anyone they see as an “addict” – like he was some dangerous criminal that he didn’t want on the same road with his children! The fact is my son is one of the most loving individuals to any child ever walked the face of this earth and would do anything to protect, show love and kindness for any child ever! (Yes, obviously this encounter still bothers me to the core) – but it was the trigger that led to a complete breaking of the bondage of shame I have lived with and drug around like a ball and chain attached to my leg!
As parents, we still struggle with the guilt we hold, that feels like if we’d done something different along the way – maybe things would have turned out better. But the bottom line is – it really doesn’t matter – the past is behind us and when we ask, God can and will wipe that slate clean and He is able to take the worst mess and help us get back on a path that we / they can go down successfully! Then, in turn, reach out to help someone else who’s fallen and is struggling through the heartaches and traumas of life.
We have to know that we know that there is recovery! That people do come back out of bad situations and become successful people in their own right – maybe not the way the world sees from the outside – but in a way only God and those of us who have experienced it personally or with someone who has – that the victory on the other side is real and wonderful and something to be celebrated. It’s an excitement the “ordinary” person can’t comprehend because it is a true triumph of the soul and spirit with a gratitude for God’s help, as they make it, that is incredible! A wonderful minister put it in a way only a few of us can truly grasp and understand – the lower we have fallen and harder the journey we’ve experienced, the greater the accomplishment feels and the greater the experience of the triumph on the other side.
I have learned to stay quiet in front of those who do not care to understand or just can’t. I have learned to give my pain and angst, when it comes, with the fact that I will most likely never know and see my child experience “their” level of successes, to God and leave them there with Him. I have learned to celebrate and shout with praise and total joy as my child takes that one small step toward recovery and becoming “whole” again. They might be patched up by the world’s standards, but we couldn’t be more excited for those precious little moments that are monumental to us!
It’s the little things that are huge in our lives – the ones that make us do our “happy dance” that the world will never understand, unless they’ve walked on our path and “in our shoes” – the ones we all share as the parent or loved one who is / has struggled with addiction.
I thank God for helping me through the judgement of others and myself, into the joys of the triumph and the exuberating feeling that comes from each success! It’s the “little things” that are huge for us and our loved one – For each and every one of them, I am deeply grateful!
