The loss of a loved one is something that rocks our world in a way that nothing else does. For a parent to loose a child, or a younger child their parent, is by far the most devastating thing to be faced in one’s lifetime. The loss of any loved one is often debilitating and some are felt deeper and harder to deal with, depending upon the circumstances surrounding their passing. We expect to bury our parents, possibly siblings and friends that are around our age or older, but the ones that leave through accidents, illnesses, addictions, foul play, or any unexpected way, can leave scars and blocks that are very difficult to ever “get past” so that we can begin to “live again” and function in a productive, joyful way. Though things will never be the “same” again, there are ways to learn to move through the hurt and pain to a place of “dealing” with this “new way of functioning” that will let us keep going. The reality that we must get to; is that though we “return” to living again – this does not mean we have forgotten our loved one or are un-loyal to them – it simply means we have come to terms with the one fact that we need to embrace; that our loved one would not want us to stop living because they are no longer present on this earth.
This page and the entries on it, with some throughout the blog, are meant to bring hope and help to move from devastation into a place of peace.
My prayer, as you go through these times of trial and despair, you can feel the hand of God and His love surround you and give you the courage to draw from the strength that He offers to you, as His dearly loved child.
Where Do I Even Start?
There are no depts that can even be described for the loss we can experience in this life. We struggle to understand and to make “sense” of the whys, the how could haves, the what ifs, the unimaginable pain that comes with someone being “ripped” from our lives.
Trying to get a handle on it and deal with it is a complete challenge within itself, and often very hard to maneuver through.
There is the fact that it is just basically shear will power to get back up and keep going. It seems to take everything you can muster up to find the strength to get through another day, and often another hour. It is finding a way to work your way back down off that high wire and into a place of functioning. Then there comes a need for the blind determination to find joy again, and not let the evil that caused the big black hole in your life destroy you, along with your focus to and for the other important people in your life. At some point, you will discover you now have the ability to help someone else in their struggle regarding their loss, that may not look the same, but can, at the same time, be just as debilitating to them as you have experienced in yours.
The only place to start is with turning to God and somehow knowing that He does care, He does hear our cry for help, our hurting hearts, and sees our tears.
Then we find ways to “help” in any small way possible. I will make different suggestions that I and others have used that have brought some comfort and gave us the space to try and then to keep going. Some will work better than others and some that might not work at the present moment, can and will in the future, when we revisit them.
There are no words, there is only the hope, and then knowing that they would not want you to be devastated and quit living your life because they are gone. Of course, if it was a brutal ending of a relationship, then that might not be their feeling, however with those situations, we know that God (which is true in any loss) does not want us to stop living, having joy, and finding peace. He is our “go to” to manage to get through anything and He knows when we feel we are failing. He understands our anger and all the things we are trying to get through. Somehow, the acceptance that He does truly love us and wants to help us get back out of our struggles, and then lead us back to “life” that can have rest, comfort, and love, once again.
Helping to “Release” the Hurt and Pain
I found a notebook and decided that I would dedicate it to my grandson and got another one for my granddaughter. They have been taken from my life and I am not able to see them and be with them. Whether this happens because of death or someone just deciding you’re not allowed in their life anymore (no matter what the relationship to you may be) – it seemed if I could just write them letters, journal my thoughts to them and tell them how I feel about them, the good times I remember, what I want for them in their lives and how much I love them, that somehow it would help. Maybe someday they can read it and even if they don’t I can only imagine that if I ask God and pour out my heart to Him, He can and will hear and somehow “get” that message to them on some level.
It helps to not just be carrying it all around inside me, all bottled up until I feel like I’m going to explode!
It’s a simple thing but worth a try to see if over the long run it can and will make a difference.
And the most important thing to do and focus on is to be so grateful for all the time I did have with them. I state all I am grateful for in detail and how much they touched my life.
When we can come from just being thankful, it can bring the joy and return all the good that was so important and what a difference they made in our lives. It helps change the entire perspective to be grateful they you had / have them still in your heart and memories, instead of only dwelling on the loss of their not being with you anymore.
Then you just cling to the future time when you know (if they’ve passed and moved to heaven) that you will see them again and that somewhere down the line that will be true that even if it’s on the other side of this life – we will still know and love them and have unlimited time to be with them.
Many blessings as you walk through this journey.
Loss has Many Faces and Aspects.
There are so many different kinds of loss that we face throughout our life. Grief can emerge through many different avenues and aspects of our lives, often not understood or acknowledged by those “outside” of the ones dealing with it.
There is the obvious and most dramatic form of grief that involves the loss of a loved one through death. However, the loss through divorce or the ending of a long-time friendship, is also the “death of a relationship.” It also often goes farther than just the relationship that brings a severe change in the dynamics of one’s entire life. The “family” makeup is now altered with locations and individuals involved, taken away or added to.
There is the loss of a job which often brings issues with our identity, our means of providing for ourselves or our family. The possibility of having to uproot our lives and make significant changes to our lifestyles, familiar friends and routine.
There is the loss of not being able to see your children, grandchildren and other “relatives” you called family, following a divorce, discord among family / friends, or someone moving miles away.
There is the loss of our parent or loved one, not through death, but through Alzheimer’s, dementia, a debilitating disease that leaves us being the caretaker and often “parent” to who “used to be” our parent and “go to” person. Watching the demise slowly of a spouse, family or loved one can be very devastating.
There is also the death of a pet, that helped get you through the lonely times felt from many different situations, that can be very hard to deal with.
There is the loss from an accident or injury that limits or changes one’s ability to function in the same way physically. Sometimes, an event may affect us both mentally and emotionally as well as, or in place of, physically.
Each loss, in their own way, may not seem that significant to ourselves or others around us. However, the devastation brought by anything that someone perceives as a great loss or alteration to their life, can lead to feelings that are often not acknowledged by ourselves or the ones around us. We forget this when we get frustrated at someone who isn’t “acting” / responding in the way we expect or want them to, after they have been through a significant change in their lives. We can get down on ourselves for not “dealing” with things the way we “think” or are being told we “should”.
Acknowledging and accepting where we are and what we are dealing with and feeling, is the first step to begin toward working through it and then to healing.
After coming to terms with the fact we are grieving any kind of a loss, we need to take time to work through the process that leads us back to “functioning” again and the ability to find rest, peace and joy in our everyday life.
It’s hard to “let go” of the things we loved and cherished that are now in the past. However, if we can begin to focus on being so grateful that we had “them”, the experiences, the individuals, the time spent enjoying them – just being together, it can begin to make a big difference down in your soul.
Letting go of the anger, whether toward the situation, others you hold responsible or yourself, will free you from the ball and chain we can drag around. Others do not care if you’re angry – forgiveness, whether stated or not, is for your own peace of mind. When we learn to “not let others rent space in our heads”, we become the “winners” instead of the ones who have done us wrong.
Guilt does nothing good, except if there is something we need to ask forgiveness for, from someone else or even for ourselves. Once we cross that bridge, then we need to move on down the path toward letting it go, and let it be a thing of the past that no longer has a stronghold in our present or future.
After we are able to “move through” all the issues that have come because of the situation (and don’t let them drag on for months, years and often decades), then begin to look forward to building a new direction for your future. Find things you enjoy, always wanted to do or accomplish and make a plan to put it in place. Keep your focus on today and ongoing forward, refusing to “look back” and continue dwelling on the past, with all its hurt and pain.
Look for and create good and positive things in your life and let it change your world into “a new place” to live, be and enjoy.
Blessings as you find the courage to face the past with all it’s hurt and pain, and move into a life with joy peace and rest. It may not feel easy, but it is so worth it after you get through the struggle of it all.
